I haven’t written very much about what is REALLY going on with me–but I feel today…on this sweet day of Sabbath…I am being asked to share. Walk by faith…
Every week, I visit random doctors for this ailment or that. One says maybe it’s the beginning stages of MS. Another confirms through blood work Lyme’s disease. My eye doctors send me up a tier each month to another specialist–even tomorrow morning at 7:30 (the best time for stay-at-home mommies to get in so they can be back home in time to start the day…changing diapers, fixing breakfast–and in my case–teaching homeschool to my two older ones while the younger two play Thomas.)
Every week, I feel like I lose more vision in my right eye…I’m more and more fatigued…I feel like I struggle with remembering things…and some days I’m challenged to pronounce words and I have to concentrate to express myself (so forgive me if this blog post makes no sense–but I hope it does:). I’ve always felt called to write–and my heart still wants to write a book–and I have to smile thinking maybe it’ll be a children’s book instead of the novel my heart has always longed to write. Still…I hold on–believing. I am called to walk by faith.
Last March, the Lord laid on our hearts the call to adopt a special needs little girl from China. I still believe that will happen. Walk by faith.
As we stepped out in faith, completed loads of paperwork, finished our home study…we dreamed of a BIG family. Richard asked me if I was SURE we were also done having children biologically. I laughed…winked at my man…and said, “Nope. I’m not sure;).”
These longings and hopes–they are still in my heart.
But for now, they are put to rest…just in a slumber. We are at peace. Yet, every now and again–when Laney says, “Momma, can I put this dress away that doesn’t fit me any more for my little sister?” or when I fold up the 18 month jammies that no longer fit Isaac…I feel it…the struggle between walking, trusting and believing and fear of accepting broken dreams…things that we were sure were promises and even calls from our sweet heavenly Father.
Have you ever experienced this?
Are you there now?
It’s the struggle between being called to walk by faith and fear of the future if things do not change the way I want them to.
2 Corinthians 5:7 “We live by faith, not by sight.”
And for us–we are walking by faith because we have seen and experienced His faithfulness on this journey.
Every step of the way, the Lord has provided…a new doctor–another person going through this same thing to shed light and encouragement. While every doctor seems to have a different plague for me to hear–there has been some light shed in it. Recently I found a new doctor who comes highly recommended…who thinks she can help me…but of course she doesn’t take our insurance. So–walking by faith here is emptying our adoption savings–trusting He will provide again–and spending $2,000 in just 2 visits in 2 weeks with many more on the horizon. But she is helping me strengthen my immune and GI system which have both been compromised–and I see bits of the puzzle being put back together. I heart though–wants it all at once.
I told Richard I want to reach out…and touch His coat…and be healed.
The God who performed miracles is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. Don’t you love this story…
“A large crowd followed and pressed around Jesus. And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years. She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse. When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, because she thought, “If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed.” Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering.
At once Jesus realized that power had gone out from him. He turned around in the crowd and asked, “Who touched my clothes?”
“You see the people crowding against you,” his disciples answered, “and yet you can ask, ‘Who touched me?’ ”
But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it. Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, told him the whole truth. He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.”
I have faith He CAN and WILL heal me. I really believe He will. But while I wait–I will just put one foot in front of the other and follow Him. I will go to the doctors He gives me guidance to go to–and on weeks He tells me to wait–I will wait. While this might sound crazy to many, I sense His presence and know He is enough and He is caring for me.
Today I can just see out of my left eye. I got glasses last July–and tomorrow I’ll need new ones as the blurriness grows. I’ll make decisions based on reality and what is true today–but I will also press into to Jesus. I will continue to reach for His cloak and in faith believe I can be healed–by Him alone.
Last night, I lay in bed unable to sleep. I felt I was battling so much more than unknowns…but there was a spiritual battle in all of this as well. I lay there hearing lies, “This is your new life…you’ll never be the same again…people are going to just think you are crazy as your memory goes…you have no future because you are going to get sicker and sicker and sicker…” Lie after lie–I whispered truth in my heart. THE LORD, MY GOD, IS WTH ME. HE IS ENOUGH. IN MY WEAKNESS HE IS STRONG. And I felt His Spirit calling me to CLING to Him and walk by faith. To trust Him. TO BELIEVE I COULD BE HEALED…and THAT I WILL BE HEALED.
I got up and went downstairs and began to pray. I took my supplements for my GI and sleep problems that join the list of issues I am striving to run the race with and press through. Then I felt Him guide me to go to my computer type something in the search engine. The first article that came up was enough to encourage my heart in the calling I feel He is
calling me to walk in…
To trust in HIM.
To wait on HIM.
To listen for Him to tell me what the next step is.
To walk by faith AND NOT BY SIGHT (I’m losing that anyway…so I better walk by faith right;)?!
I started this blog 2 years ago to document our adoption journey. God shined and showed off all through our adoption journey. If you don’t believe me–read this blog from beginning to end. I love how He laid the name ISAAC on our hearts–which means “to smile”…and what do you know the ONLY thing checked on our boy’s referral paperwork that HE COULD DO was “smile”. He was 8 months at referral–and couldn’t lift his head, he couldn’t sit and he couldn’t even eat anything other than the special formula UNICEF provided. We knew he was ours. The international pediatrician told us that the problems looked to great and she didn’t recommend us to accept His referral. YET the Lord gave us peace. We knew in our hearts Isaac…this boy who only smiles was to be ours…and we walked by faith AND NOT BY SIGHT. Praise God that we did! Praise God that He has healed our boy! Praise God that our problems with him now are just normal sharing and listening like any 2 year old boy! Glory be to God in the highest. We heard His call and followed. Despite what the world said–we listened to our Creator…because He is good. And ultimately His desire is to heal and bless His children He so dearly loves.
Last night–I felt the Lord whisper to my heart–to BELIEVE. To trust and believe I will be healed. This blog is no longer just about adoption–but about following Him…walking by faith…and trusting God is who He says He is and that He will do all He says He will do.
I believe we WILL adopt a little girl from China one day. I even believe it’s possible one day for me to have another baby. While doctors and the world might look in and say we are crazy…or that’s impossible–I have to tell them that I serve a God who makes the impossible possible and is able to do all things. I have nothing to prove–I don’t want the impossible just because it’s impossible. I want the impossible because I feel He is calling us to it. We will wait on Him, and REST in HIS PEACE.
“Now indeed, Elizabeth your relative has also conceived a son in her old age; and this is now the sixth month for her who was called barren. 37 For with God nothing will be impossible.”
“But Jesus looked at them and said to them, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
The next practical steps for us is to decide if we are going to stick with the naturopath doctor who has been treating me since November, go with this new internal med doctor here who thinks she can help me (as we deplete the adoption fund–that I know He will refund in His time) OR to head to a new doctor in Florida who will take a more aggressive route with putting a pic line in and doing IV antibiotics with mommy probably getting really sick before she gets better.
I will not live in fear but wait on Him to lead me. And I won’t lie to you and tell you that I haven’t had fears since this new journey began because it actually started in fear. My calling my daddy crying–telling him I was scared how this all might turn out. I caught myself praying with my children for mommy to be healed–and then I realized I needed to teach my kids not for mommy to be healed (for this cup to be taken from me)–but instead for HIS WILL TO BE DONE. That is how Jesus taught us to pray. That is the example He set. The lessons we are learning as a family…will change us forever…as we are learning to trust in Him in new ways together and to walk by faith and not by sight.
We are holding hands now believing in His healing power–and reaching for His coat. I will press into Jesus…nearer and nearer…trusting in His perfect timing…and His will to be done.
And I will lift my hands in worship while I wait on His promises to be filled…believing ONE day I will be completely healed. And this story–it will be a testimony to His healing power.
He who has called you will not forget you–His timing is perfect. Will you trust Him and believe Him with me? If there are things in your life you feel He has called you too–and you are longing to be restored so His promises can be fulfilled…take a minute to sit before Him…to listen to this song…and step out in faith with me…trusting Him in a deeper way…